Easter 2017

I hope everyone’s Easters were just as magical as mine was.

Even though our families are on this earth to drive us completely crazy, they are also here to be our counter balances, our gravity to remind us why we are here.

My family is notorious for the women doing all of the prep cooking and decorating and the clean up while the men “Relax.” My poor mom was exhausted by the time the day was over, but we also call the shots; so it’s a trade-off.

My mom is the best cook, maybe I am biased, but I don’t like eating anyone else’s homemade cooking. I’m a mom’s food only snob. 🙂 Living in New York is so different  from Iowa. Everyone I spoke to about their Easter plans, they all go out to brunch or dinner at a restaurant instead of having a home cooked meal. I was completely taken back I guess. I appreciate those home cooked meals; even though they may not last for too much longer until my mother requires me to make all holiday dinners. This could be quite disastrous and I think she knows that if she makes me cook the whole meal that no one will be eating.

My mom still puts together a big Easter basket for everyone. I require an Easter basket at 26; wouldn’t have it either way. This year my mom got me a little succulent terrarium! How adorable and in my favorite color, yellow. I have a black thumb, so I have to try so hard to not kill it. If I kill a whole bunch of succulents, then I don’t deserve to ever look at another plant.

We had a great dinner, we make ham every year; I’ve considered going vegetarian, but I absolutely refuse to give up ham. That’s the one meat that I will eat no matter what! I can cut beef and turkey and pork. Ham and chicken; I think I would fade away. 🙂

Of course, when you have been on low carb for the past few weeks and eat that much food; talk about a food coma! My mom and I were like we need to get out of the house; so we dragged the entire family, dogs included to the Roosevelt Farm Lane. A local trail that runs between Route 9 and 9G. It has hills and great scenery. And the exercise was well worth it; because it woke us all up.

When we got back to the house, my fiancĂ©e whipped out his acoustic guitar and played a slew of songs he has been learning. My step father is a vocalists in a band, so he sang a long with him. It was quite relaxing and nice to be able to sing along with songs that we knew. Coty playing the guitar has become a permanent fixture at family holidays. It’s a nice tradition that I hope we continue into the future with our own children.

After all of that, Coty and I come home and got to spend some time alone with our pet children.

We watched the movie, Lion with Dev Patel. It’s a must see, I highly recommend it.

Then unfortunately we did a some drama. Our Pit bull, Taj got off his leash when he snapped it. It was 1130, I was just falling asleep and Coty comes and wakes me up. He’s of course black and you can’t see him. He runs up the hill to our neighbors yard, and she hates us already cause he once chased her cat up a tree. So I’m getting anxiety because we can’t cross into her yard because she’s the type of neighbor who would call the police and he is refusing to come to us. So we go back to our house and get some food. By the time, we get back up there. He is GONE! We call and call and drive back and forth down our road and he has vanished. At this point, we had been looking for almost an hour and we can’t hear him and can’t see him. So all we can do is wait for him to get bored and travel back home. Now let me tell you, this wasn’t easy for me at all. I sat on the couch, staring at the open door and out the screen door just waiting. Going out onto the deck every 30 minutes calling his name. nothing!

So, I finally go to bed and he’s the type of dog that when he wants something, he will announce his presence. Around 415, I wake up. Listening intently, hoping for anything like a bark or a rustling of leaves, anything. And low and behold, thank god I was awake cause I hear him bark. I leap out of bed and there he is. Standing on the porch like how dare you not let me in. My fiancĂ©e had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for him to come home. I open the door, snapped leash still attached and he’s running around like a crazy dog. My fiancĂ©e asked me how I knew he was at the door, he sleeps like a rock! Luckily I had woke up right when I did. It’s like my subconscious knew!

But at least when I knew he was home, I could finally sleep with all 3 of my boys curled up in bed with me. 🙂 My happy place!

This morning, Taj knew he was in trouble! He laid in my fiancĂ©es office all day because he knew that mom wasn’t too happy with him!

As mad as I was, I’m just glad he was okay and that our crazy didn’t catch him in her yard again! Talk about an Easter miracle!

Here’s a photo of Taj curled up on the bed; he was exhausted from his late night partying!!

 

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Day 25.

My biggest regret…

I did a lot in my life backwards. I met the man who will be my husband next year when I was a senior in high school.

My boyfriend (aka fiancée) were already serious by the time I graduated. I graduated May 2009, but July 2009 we were living together. So the idea of going off to college and living in a dorm was pretty much already out.

I was living in the Midwest with the desire to go to school for photography. There are no colleges that provide a photography degree. So I was going to college courses for nothing. I got so bored that I dropped out of college and didn’t finish. I don’t know if it was one of the best decisions I made or one of the worst.

There’s a part of me that believes that it was a good decision; I was racking up school loan debt for something I didn’t even want to do. But then there’s the logical part of my brain that thinks gosh if I had just wanted a normal degree in something that wasn’t arts I wouldn’t be worried about money all of the time or worrying about how to pay for this wedding that I can’t afford.

My fiancĂ©e and I wouldn’t be living paycheck to paycheck.

Our parents are always telling us to chase our dreams and they don’t tell us how hard it is or how impossible the world makes it. It’s easy to take the easy way out and just get trapped in routine and in dead end jobs. If we just tried harder and didn’t take the easy way out, maybe we have a chance.

I’m going to stop making excuses for not doing what I love and just do it! (That’s a Nike commercial line.)

Stay tuned for updates.

 

Looking for answers.

Do you ever find yourself behaving in a way that is so unlike you? What’s the trigger that really brings out the worst in us?

Lately, I’ve found myself behaving like someone I’ve never met before! Like I’ve left my body and I’m watching from the outside. Maybe like a ghost or spirit. I feel so lost lately. I don’t have any ambition to plan my wedding or be excited for anything at all. I’ve developed a short fuse with my fiancĂ©e and it scares me slightly.

I know who I am and how I was raised; and it just seems like all of that has vanished now. So the real question is how do I get back to the person I know I can be?

There’s one thing I am sure of; my current job has brought out the worst in me. So I’m trying to 1. find a new job, something in the range of what I actually want to do. 2. Be a better person at work, just focus on my work and leave and give people a chance.

Also what I am thinking; New York just made all state schools tuition free for residents. One of the schools I would love to go to is FIT in Manhattan. I loved the campus. I think there’s no time like the present to go to school and not have to worry about tuition. I want to better myself and if going back to school is what I need to do to better myself then I think it’s the right thing to do. But I still have to be accepted into college. But I’m being hopeful. Unfortunately I missed the deadline for Fall 2017. So I’m thinking Spring 2018. But it gives me time to prep a portfolio and my essays to only increase my chances of getting accepted!

I believe that is the next step in my life. Its logical and a step I’m ready to make. I’m supposed to get married in 2018, but if I’m going back to school then it may have to be a very small wedding. I want to get my life in order and getting a degree is the best thing to do. I want to be educated; and it will only help my photography career. That means wherever I go, my camera is now coming with me. 🙂 My fiancĂ©e will be thrilled.

He’s always been very supportive of my choices when it comes to my photography. He knows I love doing it and I have an eye for it; I couldn’t ask for a more supportive man and family. With that kind of support system, you can do anything!

Day 24

What attracts me in love?

Being someone who has been in a long term relationship as I have. There’s one thing that makes my fiancĂ©e continuously attractive to me, his work ethic.

Even though he works a lot and I don’t get to spend a ton of time with him because of our differing work schedules, I love that he is willing to learn a new trade if he wants to. He’s extremely hard working and it’s very attractive; not to mention I love watching him work.

A few years back, he was in construction. But he got fed up with the owner of the business and quit his job. At the time, I wasn’t happy cause it really affected us financially and I was carrying the household and that was next to impossible with my income. He did finally find a job in something totally different, Window Tinting. He wanted to learn something new and he loves it and he wants to continue to learn new things about it and maybe open a shop one day. So even though it was a massive financial hard ship for us while he wasn’t working. It was for the best in the end.

Other things that attract me to my fiancĂ©e is humor. If you can’t make me laugh on the daily then we are done. It’s been 8 years and he still makes me laugh every day even when I’m mad a him. 

I think humor is one of the keys to a successful relationship! If you can’t make each other laugh then you have nothing!

Happy Easter

Good morning everyone! I hope you are all get prepped and ready for some amazing family time! I’m currently sitting on my couch in my pajamas. I was out late last night and had way too much sangria, so I’m still trying to recooperate from that!

Last night, my fiancĂ©e and I got invited to my best friends 3rd annual peeps decorating contest! What a fun little night with lots of wine and did I mention sangria!! 

Everyone’s diorama for the peeps was very creative! My fiancĂ©e loves The Walking Dead, so we recreated the scene with Negan killing off Abraham and Glenn!

Everyone was mad (Poor Glenn); but absolutely loved it! Haha. 

This was more of an adult thing; but it was a lot of fun and I think that it’s a great thing for kids!

1. Creation of Bobby “Bunny” Flay, it’s all about the cooking show!

2. Elle and Bruiser Woods.

3. Peep Show! Also flashing lights when it was presented!

4. Scene with Negan in the The Walking Dead. We should of won! 😉

5. The Peeps Zoo!

6. Recreation of Mean Girls. Aka The Mean Peeps!!

It was so fun! So great to let your creative juices flow!

When music inspires.

The guitar is quick and upbeat. You can’t help if you nod your head along with the strings.

The vocalist gets you inspired to care about the situation that is situated in front of you. You compare and contrast. Decide what’s worth revealing and what’s worth hiding.

 

Jazz gets me clapping in my head. What works and what doesn’t. it blends well, swish, swish. The smoky voice that tunes into your head, it’s 1920s in the modern age. Smoke feels the air with a cloud of desperation in her voice. Drawing you in and kicking you out.

 

A tease, your intrigued by the drum beat. Snap your fingers with the love of it in your head. Down beat, up beat. Click clack. You can’t help to love it. She wraps you in a cocoon of love and jazz.

 

Fun. Am I the right one? Ask yourself.

Lust is the counter of love; It’s a hit and miss. Love and Hate equates the sway of the voice.

Don’t let it blow you over.

One time cello, dark and deep. Precision on the tap of the drum and on the coat tails of the singer. She doesn’t mind.

Floral and fluid; tap your knee, tap you toes
one time.

 

Click your tongue. You can’t help it. Weed smoke feels the air. Rhythm runs cold through your veins. Gives you goose bumps.

Keep clicking, add in some snaps.

Get on the floor, explosion of clicks. Clapping. Wild hair, drum beat keeps the pulse in the air.

Tell her your needs, be wild.

Choke on the beat that surrounds you.

Day 23

This is a loaded question!

Everyone dreams about what they would do if they won the lottery. In that moment, if I won I think everything I thought I would do would probably change!

If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would definitely quit my job and move out of New York! My fiancee and I want to go south somewhere like Virginia or South Carolina. I would donate most of my current furniture to a good cause; and buy new stuff. But nothing to incredibly expensive; just new stuff. I would buy a house, one my fiancee and I could grow into. Something nice, but no mansion or anything over the top.

I would definitely get new cars for the both of us. I would be fine with a Volkswagen Beattle! 🙂 Then, I would pay off all of our outstanding bills. I would leave nothing with a monthly bill unless i’m unable to pay ahead.

I would buy my parents a house and new cars and I would start a college fund for my sister. I have a step sister who lives back in Iowa and her mother works odd jobs. I would also begin a college fund for her as well. One that I CONTROLLED, and I only had access to and it would only go towards to any college bills; nothing else! I’ts unfortunate that I would have to be that strtict; but people like to take advantage of generositiy when it’s given.

With situations like this; people come out of the woodwork when things like this happen. As much as you want to help everyone, you can’t!

I would plan my ideal wedding; get married wherever I want. And if you can travel for it, great. If you can’t; well sorry. Even with millions, I don’t think that I would want to spends 50,000 on a wedding. Just the dress I want, and in a place that would make me happy and that’s enough.

After my wedding, I would travel with my fiancee. Doing all of the things that have ever been on my bucket list. I would go to London, Paris, Greece, Thailand, Canada, Hawaii, Amsterdam, Sweden, New Zealand, Spain & so much more! I would also book a surprise trip for my family. To all of the places my mom ever wanted to go! She has sacrificed so much for me and I think I would want to repay her with something she would never forget!

That’s my ideal Lottery plan! But since the chances are slim, I’ll stick to reality and try to accomplish my dreams logically. But a girl can dream!

Fashion Fail.

Today, my mom and I went to Danbury Fair Mall in Danbury, CT! One of the best malls that’s close to where we live that actually provides decent shopping.

I went with this illusion that I would found some great pieces to add to my wardrobe! I couldn’t have been more wrong! Holy crap! Everything that I tried on looked absolutely terrible in everything. I’m bloated cause I’ve been eating way to many carbs. I just can’t!

So I walked out of the mall only spending 15.00 on lip wax, nail polish and a pencil sharperner. Good Day!

Word of advice, don’t eat carbs…well…never and never try on clothes while you bloated. Cause I felt like a massive beached whale; and looked like one too.

I did somehow manage to get a good selfie, and I’m sharing that with you! So I guess that was my constellation prize for the day.

I have a tendency to buy things just because and there’s a chance that I will never wear it again. So I’m trying to get better about not buying things just to buy them. I want to love them and it’s something I will wear on a frequent basis cause them it’s just a waste of money!

I work in retail and I always tell my guests…
“Do you love it?” If they don’t say yes right away; then I tell them to not buy it. Cause otherwise it’s going to sit in your closet and basically collect dust. So I’m trying to take my own advice I guess.

My advice for the day: Learn to dress for your body, and learn to say no to yourself!

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Day 22

My worst habits.

1. I pick at my nails all of the time. Not sure if it’s a nervous tick or what, but I have been doing it since I was a kid! So I always get my nails done so I’m less likely to pick at them if they are all nice and pretty! 🙂

2. I will admit I can be pretty gosshipy. It’s mainly at my job; cause in the time I’ve been there there’s been so many changes and it’s hard for me to get past sometimes. I have been working on it I swear; I want to be a better person and now I go in and focus on just doing my job and leaving. If I can’t be the best version of myself then I can’t expect anyone else to be either. 

Those I believe are my two worst habits. I’m sure some other people in my life could come up with even more. Lol 

Xoxo

Day 21

I’ve been avoiding doing this post, mainly because it’s a depressing topic and who wants to write about something depressing. But I’m so close to finishing my 30 day blogging challenge and I will not quit right before it’s over; mama didn’t raise a quitter!! 

What makes me sad?

For me, abandonment makes me very sad. My dad abandoned me basically; he didn’t even show up till after I was born; by the time that my mom gave birth to me he was already with his future wife Lisa. Let me get something straight right now; I have no issues with my step mother, we don’t have a relationship, but I harbor no ill feelings towards her. My mom said anytime she had to call my father for things pertaining to me, Lisa was very cordial and Gary has told me on occasions that she’s the one pushing him to have a relationship with me. They have two sons together who seem great as well. The only person I have a slight problem with is my father. I grew up with a step father; until him and my mom divorced and I got thrown away like a piece of garbage and I wasn’t his biological child; so no need to maintain a relationship with me. Honestly it didn’t hurt me that much to be honest. My biggest issue with my biological father is that he is so involved in his sons lives and he can’t take 5 minutes to have a relationship with his own daughter and not involved at all in any of my formative years. So what did I do wrong? My father has always been worried about perception and how people see him. I didn’t meet any of my extended family on my dad’s until I was 19. 

My grandmother (his mother) has always kept track of me and kept in contact with me! She sends me cards every holiday and they always made an effort to see me. I try to stay in contact with her even more since my grandfather passed away in January 2016. 

The biggest feeling of abandonment was my high school graduation. I invited him and his wife and sons. He hadn’t been to anything else, but I figured he would show up for that since he missed everything else. Nope! My grandmother and grandfather showed up and she told me that he didn’t want to feel uncomfortable or judged! I will tell you that my grandmother on my moms side and my mom were not happy! They didn’t say anything directly; but my mom popped off the comment that this day wasn’t about him; and he should of not made it about him.

We still to this day don’t have a relationship. One year; he forgot to text me on my birthday. I got a text a few days later saying he forgot! I was thinking to myself that he would never forget his boys’ birthday. Made me feel unwanted and worthless. My feelings about my dad swing from one side to another. Sometimes I could care less that he isn’t involved in my life; but I’m getting married and it hurts to know that he may not even show up for it. I’ve already decided that he won’t be walking me down the aisle. He’s not a privilege he’s attained in the years he’s ignored his child.

I would give a lot to have a relationship with him. But his family is already perfect and there can’t be an illegitimate child there to mess up his perfect family.

Xoxo