I have been absent as of lately. There’s been a lot going on at my job and in my personal life. I’ve been constantly on the move, so I have been writing more in my journals instead of on my blog.
Work has been my primary focus lately; we have a new district manager at my job, who I like very much and she’s creating an action plan for me to get promoted. Which is all I have ever wanted from the company that I have worked for for almost two years now. So slow progress is still progress. Right?
But when we finally sat down and discussed what my future entailed, it became more ingrained how much this isn’t what my future is supposed to hold. This isn’t what I want. As of right now, it’s what I need. I wish I could be more spontaneous and just quit my job and pursue photography full time and not a heart attack about where my money will come from or how I will pay my electric. (which I need to pay today.)
My relationship has also been a little bit off lately, my fiancée currently works six days a week, so the only day he has off anymore is Sunday. Sometimes I work Sundays. But when I don’t, I want to do something together; but I also have to understand that he just worked 6 days straight and he’s exhausted. So we don’t ever do anything, cause I want to go out and he wants to stay home. So since I’m antsy to do something; i’ll do something with friends instead and he gets upset cause I’m hanging out with him. So it’s a vicious cycle. And we’ve been together for almost 9 years. So it’s only becoming harder and harder to get that spark back. I’ll be completely honest, I’m at a complete loss of what I need to do.
So I get upset cause we aren’t speaking enough, then he doesn’t understand why I’m mad. I can say this that our communication has never been our strong suit in our relationship just because we got together when we were so young when communication is that last thing you talk about in your new relationship.
One other problem we have been having is that my mother raised a very independent woman; I never want to rely on someone else to get my bills paid; but unfortunately I make a lot less money then I used to; so I’ve been coming up short on bills. Which the last thing I want to do is ask my fiancée for money to help pay the bills. So just before I began writing this post; I told him we have to pay the electric; I paid a portion of the bill and I need him to help me out on the other portion, before I could even tell him that I paid a portion of what is owed, he scoffed very loudly. For that reason right there, I don’t like asking other people for money. Cause they will give it you, but they won’t hesitate to bring it into every conversation that you have about money forever. Now, I’m not necessarily saying my fiancée would do that to me, cause he has helped me out before. But it’s highly embarrassing for me to even have to ask. And I know that we are getting married and that there will be times where I will have to ask him for money again.
I just think that I will need to get my ego under control, my mom has always taught me and shown me even when your going through rough patches; that there’s a way out without asking for money. I’ve asked other people in my life for money at times, and they made me feel so guilty for asking. So I’m very adamant about figuring out money situations on my own.
I’m just pushing through everything and just breathe.
I think this is probably the most open I have been on this blog. With all of this information fly through my head. I guess there’s no time like the present for getting my photography business off the ground.