Day 21

I’ve been avoiding doing this post, mainly because it’s a depressing topic and who wants to write about something depressing. But I’m so close to finishing my 30 day blogging challenge and I will not quit right before it’s over; mama didn’t raise a quitter!! 

What makes me sad?

For me, abandonment makes me very sad. My dad abandoned me basically; he didn’t even show up till after I was born; by the time that my mom gave birth to me he was already with his future wife Lisa. Let me get something straight right now; I have no issues with my step mother, we don’t have a relationship, but I harbor no ill feelings towards her. My mom said anytime she had to call my father for things pertaining to me, Lisa was very cordial and Gary has told me on occasions that she’s the one pushing him to have a relationship with me. They have two sons together who seem great as well. The only person I have a slight problem with is my father. I grew up with a step father; until him and my mom divorced and I got thrown away like a piece of garbage and I wasn’t his biological child; so no need to maintain a relationship with me. Honestly it didn’t hurt me that much to be honest. My biggest issue with my biological father is that he is so involved in his sons lives and he can’t take 5 minutes to have a relationship with his own daughter and not involved at all in any of my formative years. So what did I do wrong? My father has always been worried about perception and how people see him. I didn’t meet any of my extended family on my dad’s until I was 19. 

My grandmother (his mother) has always kept track of me and kept in contact with me! She sends me cards every holiday and they always made an effort to see me. I try to stay in contact with her even more since my grandfather passed away in January 2016. 

The biggest feeling of abandonment was my high school graduation. I invited him and his wife and sons. He hadn’t been to anything else, but I figured he would show up for that since he missed everything else. Nope! My grandmother and grandfather showed up and she told me that he didn’t want to feel uncomfortable or judged! I will tell you that my grandmother on my moms side and my mom were not happy! They didn’t say anything directly; but my mom popped off the comment that this day wasn’t about him; and he should of not made it about him.

We still to this day don’t have a relationship. One year; he forgot to text me on my birthday. I got a text a few days later saying he forgot! I was thinking to myself that he would never forget his boys’ birthday. Made me feel unwanted and worthless. My feelings about my dad swing from one side to another. Sometimes I could care less that he isn’t involved in my life; but I’m getting married and it hurts to know that he may not even show up for it. I’ve already decided that he won’t be walking me down the aisle. He’s not a privilege he’s attained in the years he’s ignored his child.

I would give a lot to have a relationship with him. But his family is already perfect and there can’t be an illegitimate child there to mess up his perfect family.

Xoxo

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