Lack of Communication.

The common reason relationships end. No one wants to communicate their feelings anymore. They say nothing and hope for the best. I’ll admit, sometimes I do this…I know sometimes that speaking my mind will end up leading to a fight over something so trivial; and I want to avoid that fight altogether. But sometimes you just have to face it head on.

Just a FYI, this is my post just to vent and maybe later, like tomorrow or next week I’ll actually deal with my problems IRL.

My fiancée IS NOT a morning person at all. I’ve gotten used to the fact that we don’t speak to each other in the morning at all. 9 years together, and that hasn’t changed. But now, when we drive home together…since we share a car right now. I want someone to talk to about my day; and when I talk to him…CRICKETS! I might as well be having a conversation with myself.

So when I prod him to talk since he won’t respond when I speak, apparently what I’m saying isn’t interesting enough to keep him engaged or keep him from staring at his phone. He gets all huffy and puffy and says this: “I just got off work, I’m not talking!”

I WAS SO PISSED! But that wasn’t even the worst part. It makes me feel like my words have absolutely no merit. I want my significant other TO WANT to talk about me and hear about my day and talk about the news.

Then not even 5 minutes later; he says: “I want to volunteer.” I was fuming inside by this moment, I mumbled “yeah” underneath my breath. Then he says; “Did you not hear me?” I wanted to SCREAM! So he doesn’t have to respond when I speak, but I have to hold a conversation with someone who just told me he just got off work and didn’t want to talk. I’m totally confused. I just huffed; and I was like “YEAH!” I never wanted to be one of those people. But here I am, being extremely passive aggressive. So I talk a deep breath; “Doing what?” I ask. He tells me he wants to do like habitat for humanity or something along those lines. I just don’t have the energy to get in another fight at this point. So I just let it slide. The rest of the ride home, I just keep it clipped and give one word answers because I know I won’t make it long if I try to hold an actual conversation.

So here’s the real dilemma…

Knowing that he doesn’t like to talk in the morning, we don’t speak during the day really because we both have demanding jobs that keep us busy all day and he never really takes a lunch break. So now, really no conversations in the morning, we don’t speak during the day and NOW he doesn’t want to talk because he just got off work. When are we supposed to communicate? This is the dilemma. I know I need to broach the subject. But it just seems like so much work for what I know is going to turn into a fight anyways.

Any suggestions? Strip truth or dare? But no dares…just truth? A friend gave me that suggestion. Anything more subtle?

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I’m Back!

You should feel so proud that I have kept my promise so far that I would completely vanish off the face of the planet like before.

Today, it was a better day; mainly because I didn’t work and I was actually pretty productive.

Unfortunately, I’m still a millennial and have to do my laundry at my mother’s house. But it gave me the opportunity to take my little sister Sophia to the park! We got on the swings together, did the monkey bars together…well I attempted it. I have found out I need to do weights at the gym now. Absolutely no upper body strength! 🙂

Then, I took her for lunch. We went back, watched Minions together while I washed my laundry.

Next up, I came home and did all of our dishes that have been piled up in the sink for about a week now. My fiancée loves the concept of filling up the sink full of water to let them “soak”. Which means never going back and doing the dishes while the water is still warm. No! It gets all grimy and starts to smell. So I’m the one who always gets to deal with the aftermath of that brilliant plan!

Since I have been kind of letting myself go lately with all the stress from the new job. I took a long hot shower and shaved like everything for the first time in awhile. I got all dressed up, well kind of; dressed up for me and made sure I did my make up all nice; I wanted to show my fiancée that his lady still has it! That I haven’t turned into a completely mess over the past few weeks!

Now that I’m home from running all of my errands and such. I have water boiling to make some cheddar and broccoli soup for dinner with some bread of course! That’s how we roll in New York. We are all about our carbs in NY!

I hope everyone is enjoying a carb coma as I will be very soon!

I’m currently working on a few pieces I will be posting soon. I couldn’t be more excited about them!

Here’s some insights in what’s coming next:

-Sex Playlists. What should you be playing when your getting freaky! Clue: Doesn’t include Netflix!

-Creams, Moisturizers, and Sprays: What am I using to keep my skin in check?

-Day in the Life of someone who can bench press more than the boys!!!

 

When you vanish…

–I never wanted to be one of those bloggers who was basically non-existent. Who posted in a frenzy in the beginning, then vanishes off the face of the planet.

Let me tell you where I have been…

I accepted a new job, the job that is close to my dreams; I saw the huge increase in pay, and the first time EVER being offered insurance benefits. It’s the small things that got me excited; I wanted to leap and be one of those people who could say I faked it till I made it.

But now that I’ve been there, I wonder if I jumped too quickly. I overestimated my abilities you could say. Its taking my passion for photography, and taking out all of the creativity out of the craft. Just take these pictures, in this order. When I got into photography, it’s all about the eye, and creating something that you see in your minds eye. But that’s the problem with any studio work, it’s hard to create what I see in my head; which is beautiful I must say.

I watched my mom take a job;  drive 1 hour 30 minutes everyday to LI. Leaving at 6am, working all day and not come home till almost 10pm every single day she worked. And when she was off, she would constantly field calls from her job because the staff was incompetent. I saw her fall apart so quickly; that it was heart breaking. She went on short term disability then ended her employment shortly after. Between her short term disability and since I have a younger sister who is currently in elementary school. She couldn’t stomach missing all of my sisters stuff because of work. After watching her go through this; I swore up and down I would never take a job just because of the money.

And here I am a few years later, taking a job only close to what I want to do because of the money and insurance benefits. But I was struggling financially and I took a leap of financial faith you could say.

But I’m about 3 weeks in, and I want to pull out my hair everyday; like I said this job takes out the creativity out of the craft. Not to mention, you have to follow a very specific guide that is the most boring thing sometimes. I know it’s a corporation that there’s rules to follow, but I thought I would get some creative leeway. Apparently, I was wrong.

I was getting so stressed out, that I stopped shaving my legs, washing my face, or washing my hair. I was not looking my best. And when I’m not looking my best, I can’t expect my fiancée to want to look at me. I know that sounds like extremely sexist on his part. He’s seen me at my worst, and never judged me. But sometimes I want to look my best for him, and I want to take care of myself. It makes me feel good and he has something nice hanging on his arm!

Not to mention, when your rolling around on the floor all day and bent over doing photographs, my lower back and been extremely inflamed. So when I try to go and do things on my day off I can only handle so long before I begin limping. So here’s an example, I went to the Dutchess County Fair today, I walked around and did a few rides for 3 or 4 hours. By the 4th hour, I had to lay in the back seat of my car flat to get any relief. I don’t want to feel miserable all of the time because of a job.

I never wanted to be one of those people like most of society who go to work, pay bills and die. I want to live for something. As much as I want this job to work out. I definitely was happy about my first pay check being triple what my checks were at my previous job.

But if I want to survive my new job and also going into holiday season; I need to get back to my roots and doing what makes me happy. I need to balance my life out a bit.

 

New Project.

In my own self reflection, I wanted to do more for myself and for those less fortunate. We sometimes forget how blessed we are, and we take our freedoms for granted.

As I figure out what my contribution needs to be. I want to reflect on the women around the world who are contributing to the beauty of this world in their own capacity. It’s inspiring.

As of late, I’ve been itching to write a post about something. But I wanted it to be heartfelt and meaningful. I began thinking about tolerance, we have become so intolerant as a society against religion, sexual orientation, heritage. I wanted to showcase our differences in a place we could be tolerant and loving.

Our world has proven many times over and over that intolerance will be our demise as society; yet, we continue to make the same mistakes.

With technology, we can hide behind our keyboards and talk poorly of our own friends and family and strangers, without any consequences. So I want to flip the script and use technology and our access to so many more people by highlighting the women who are looking to change the landscape on how we view the world.

Stay tuned for the first woman up to make an appearance and who I believe is opening eyes for our world.

-Sarah

 

Day 30- Last DAY!

You know I have never actually ever completed one of these 30 day challenges. Weather it’s a squat challenge, or post a picture of certain things for 30 days. I never complete them. So even though I stretched this out way longer than a month, I did complete it! I am giving myself a pat on the back right now.

These are the hopes for my blog…

  1. That it inspires me to stick with something I have begun and not to give up on it.
  2. I want to inspire others to show their true selves to the world. We get so stuck in creating a persona to show the world; we don’t show our flaws and our weaknesses. I want to take the stigma away from that and just show that we are awesome flaws and all.
  3. To find my niche, I can feel myself going down a path that doesn’t challenge me or push me to my limits and that’s a fate worse than death.
  4. To share my stories with the world, I love to be open and giving and to share my experiences. And I’m ready to do that!

 

Welcome to Edgy and Urban!

Day 29

A confession.

Even though I should of completed this challenge like almost a month ago, I feel like this is the perfect time to complete this day of the blogging challenge.

I was so lost, I felt unfulfilled and desperate for attention. I’m not usually like this, I was raised by a mother who taught me to rely on myself before I rely on anyone else. The fact that I was desperate for attention is a whole new thing for me to feel.

I just feel disconnected from my life, and I think in some sense I self sabotage. I’ve always kind of done it to myself since I was a kid. I convince myself that I’m better off not going after things that I want because it may have a poor outcome. I like to think I would like being fearless, but instead I’m full of fears and not full of life.

I guess my confession is that I’m fearful…

Scattered.

Sorry everyone,

I have been absent as of lately. There’s been a lot going on at my job and in my personal life. I’ve been constantly on the move, so I have been writing more in my journals instead of on my blog.

Work has been my primary focus lately; we have a new district manager at my job, who I like very much and she’s creating an action plan for me to get promoted. Which is all I have ever wanted from the company that I have worked for for almost two years now. So slow progress is still progress. Right?

But when we finally sat down and discussed what my future entailed, it became more ingrained how much this isn’t what my future is supposed to hold. This isn’t what I want. As of right now, it’s what I need. I wish I could be more spontaneous and just quit my job and pursue photography full time and not a heart attack about where my money will come from or how I will pay my electric. (which I need to pay today.)

My relationship has also been a little bit off lately, my fiancée currently works six days a week, so the only day he has off anymore is Sunday. Sometimes I work Sundays. But when I don’t, I want to do something together; but I also have to understand that he just worked 6 days straight and he’s exhausted. So we don’t ever do anything, cause I want to go out and he wants to stay home. So since I’m antsy to do something; i’ll do something with friends instead and he gets upset cause I’m hanging out with him. So it’s a vicious cycle. And we’ve been together for almost 9 years. So it’s only becoming harder and harder to get that spark back. I’ll be completely honest, I’m at a complete loss of what I need to do.

So I get upset cause we aren’t speaking enough, then he doesn’t understand why I’m mad. I can say this that our communication has never been our strong suit in our relationship just because we got together when we were so young when communication is that last thing you talk about in your new relationship.

One other problem we have been having is that my mother raised a very independent woman; I never want to rely on someone else to get my bills paid; but unfortunately I make a lot less money then I used to; so I’ve been coming up short on bills. Which the last thing I want to do is ask my fiancée for money to help pay the bills. So just before I began writing this post; I told him we have to pay the electric; I paid a portion of the bill and I need him to help me out on the other portion, before I could even tell him that I paid a portion of what is owed, he scoffed very loudly. For that reason right there, I don’t like asking other people for money. Cause they will give it you, but they won’t hesitate to bring it into every conversation that you have about money forever. Now, I’m not necessarily saying my fiancée would do that to me, cause he has helped me out before. But it’s highly embarrassing for me to even have to ask. And I know that we are getting married and that there will be times where I will have to ask him for money again.

I just think that I will need to get my ego under control, my mom has always taught me and shown me even when your going through rough patches; that there’s a way out without asking for money. I’ve asked other people in my life for money at times, and they made me feel so guilty for asking. So I’m very adamant about figuring out money situations on my own.

I’m just pushing through everything and just breathe.

I think this is probably the most open I have been on this blog. With all of this information fly through my head. I guess there’s no time like the present for getting my photography business off the ground.

 

xoxo

 

 

Day 28

Honestly, at this very moment I don’t think I can even recall my most embarrassing moment. I’m sure there are many that aren’t coming to mind right now. But I will make sure to think long and hard and edit this post as soon as I do think of one.

Day 27

What’s in your closet? I feel like this is a trick question. There’s so much in my closet that I couldn’t even begin to describe it.

One thing I can say is that it’s fairly disorganized, but majority of my clothes are actually on hangers which I don’t have enough of, so I have to get creative with what I hang together and that can get challenging. 

I’ve been on a clothing binge for a while now, so there’s no more room to fit anything. When I moved from Iowa to New York. My style changed drastically; as it needed to. So I have so much more and I pair a lot of what I have with multiple outfits. I own a lot more heels and when I do go back to Iowa they look at me like I’m a unicorn! I guess that’s okay! 🙂

So too many clothes and too many shoes! That’s what’s in my closet!

Xoxo