I’ve always been one of those people who can never pick the title before writing the post. My post will take me where it does, and only then can I pick the title that is perfect for the post.
A lot has been going on the past few weeks, especially in my personal life. And this can be difficult to share with the world; but I can’t be blogging if I’m not honest. There’s been so many times that writers, celebrities, etc share stories that are hard for them to show the world that not everything is perfect or to bring awareness to a particular issue.
I think mine may be a little bit of both categories; so let me share…
My fiancée and I just bought a second car. We are firm believers in used cars within reason. We see no sense in spending a whole bunch of money on a car and we really don’t want a car payment; we both agree that it’s a huge waste of money to buy a car new. Neither of us do significant driving to jobs; that would be the only thing that would change our minds. So, we picked up what we call “a beater”. $1,100, low milege and it’s not the prettiest, but it gets us from Point A to Point B. But the week we bought it, we also paid rent as well and I had just paid up all of our bills. So I didn’t have really any money left to also register a new car; and he didn’t have the money to register it either after paying rent. So it was going to have to wait, which I told him Monday night. So when Tuesday rolled around; I was planning on staying at home and get some things done that I needed to complete. It’s about 8:30am, and my fiancée has gotten up and began getting ready for work. He busts into the bedroom and asks me if I’m going to town (mind, we currently have one car.) I shake my head no, and he proceeds to slam the door (throwing a temper tantrum.) We have both been on edge for the past week; everything going on in our everyday lives was building up all week and it finally got fed up and I just snapped…
I went out into the main living area; and I finally yelled and asked him what he was pissed off this time. He said, “I thought you were going to register the car!” Even though the day before I told him I didn’t have the money this week to register the car. I screamed this same thing to him. And as we know in all fights; everything that has ever went wrong in your relationship comes up. That previous week; work was pure hell and exhausting and I just did what a woman does when she’s scorned…I threw shit. In particular the frames of photography I had on my wall by my bed. (Note: Nothing broke.) I know that sounds beyond juvenile; I agree that it is.
He just left the house. I hid in the bathroom, practically hyperventilating from crying. (Let me clarify, not once did I feel unsafe or like I was going to be physically harmed. I want to make that known, I don’t want there to be any misconception. My fiancée is a good man!) Of course, when he left; he slammed the door and peeled out of our driveway in our crappy car. When it comes to our relationship; we have a fairly good relationship but we are young and don’t always handle our anger well. The only one car between us isn’t helping either. We drive in together and work all day and then he sometimes has to wait almost 2 hours for me some days until I’m done and then we drive home together. As much as I love my fiancée, that’s A LOT of time together. When I have my own car, my biggest stress reliever is the drive home; if I’ve had a really bad day, I turn up my music and roll down the windows and sing along terribly. By the time I get home, I feel better. But when we aren’t getting the time to decompress before we are together again, it causes situations like this.
Now some people may get mad about what happened next. I called my mom (My mother is my best friend.) and asked her if she could pick me up on her lunch break. I packed my bags; I was sending a very distinctive message; that I wouldn’t be treated like a child. He was going to be my husband, he wasn’t my father. I was sick of being scolded and treated like I was an equal in this relationship. Then I cleaned my house, my psyche was entirely screwed up at this point. Here I am packing my bags and leaving my fiancée in the home we built together and I was cleaning my house, so he had a clean house to come home to when he got off work. I know feminists probably want to punch me in the throat! I know, it was awful; but I was just so lost in that moment and that’s the only thing that I could think to do. It was that or be a crying lump in the corner. I might as well be productive while I waited for my ride.
I got to my mom’s and unpacked and I didn’t say a word to him. So I waited all day, waiting for him to get home. I swore up and down that the moment he got home and saw I wasn’t there; I would hear from him in some capacity. I received…NOTHING! To say I was shocked, is the understatement of the century.
I went to bed at my parents home that first night completely confused.
I woke up the next morning to a text saying this…”If you need a ride to work, I can be there at 845.” I will admit that this particular text pissed me off. After everything, the very first text you send me in 24 hours and that’s what you say; yeah I was upset. I showed it to my mother and she laughed, we laughed together saying, “Seriously this is what you say.” She told me, he’s a man; they are horrible at handling situations like this. I went to work, completely distracted all day and just kept checking my phone. Nothing.
My mom was texting me to not to worry, but her texting me was just getting me more worried that I made the worst decision of my life and he was done with me. I’m not going to be the person who says to you, “Yeah, screw him I can do better.” I may have thought about in a rage, but we’ve been together for almost 10 years and he is the man I want to marry despite the fact that he drives me absolutely crazy.
Later in the day, I get a GIF of a the dog from UP! With the text ‘I’m sorry.’ Once again, I’m taken aback, this is not proper apology etiquette. Then, he shows up Wednesday evening at my job and then calls my job while one of my bosses is there to see if he is picking me up. As much as I wanted to talk to him, I wasn’t about to have that conversation at my job in front of my bosses. It was aggravating to be so close to talking to him like an adult and have it be all messed up because of timing. Work was stressful that day already and I knew that I needed to be in the right frame of mind when we spoke for the first time. So I texted him and told him to go home and my mom grabbed me from work that evening.
That evening when I was back at my mom’s house and settled in, we sort of texted back and forth and I told him he could come see him Thursday after work and we would talk. I asked about our dogs, Taj and Remy. It broke my heart that I had seen them in almost two days. Then that was about it.
Thursday evening when he came over, he was automatically defensive. Crossed arms and we were standing outside and I laid out everything that was going through my head. My real anger about our relationship really had nothing to do with him at all; a few weeks prior I had planned a trip to NYC. Every time him and I went to NYC it was taking our out of state family and we kept seeing the same monuments over and over again. So we never got to see the places we wanted to see while we are there. The last minute he bailed to work because we HAD to buy this stupid car. It made me feel completely worthless and unwanted. So adding on everything else that was going on to that open wound was like a pound of salt and I never addressed this problem and it blew up over something very trivial.
We made up Thursday, on the way home I wasn’t sure I had made the right decision to go home. But my work schedule was going to complicate my parents lives when I didn’t have a car. So was I just going back to make my life a little bit less complicated; I sure thought so at the time. I was completely silent on the car ride home and when we got home. My fiancée swept me into his arms and gave a full hearted apology. He said, “I’m so sorry, ill try to be better; I think we are both broken.” Now some may think it wasn’t the nicest thing to say about us both being broken. But to me; it was a huge weight lifted off me. Because throughout our relationship, I also got this vibe that he always thought he did more than I do and I bust my ass just as much as he does. So for him to admit that maybe he to is broken was a big indicator that he understood that sometimes it’s okay to admit that neither of us are perfect.
I wanted to show in this post that no relationship is perfect. I know that line almost seems cliché…but it’s true. I don’t try to portray this unicorn and rainbows relationship. On more than one occasion, I have told stories about my relationship that show the flaws that we have overcome in the past 10 years together.
I tend to be more impulsive and I internalize until I explode. So I try to be more open and try to share my feelings when I can. That’s what I learned during this whole experience. My fiancée is the type to have a temper over the smallest things; and he creates stress that doesn’t need to be created at all. So right now, we are both trying to overcome those hurdles in our relationship. We also promised to be more present in our relationship; technology will kill all relationships one day. So put down your phone; no one wants to be in a relationship with you phone.
Just be there for your partner, try to understand them and try to be the thing that decompresses them on a bad day.