You know, we all have self doubt; and miraculousy most times we pull through our hard times and have no idea how we pulled it off.

Lately at my job, I’ve been at my wits end. We have so many people in this world who need jobs to support themselves. Yet, there’s people where I’m like ‘how did you get a job in the first place.’ Obviously I can’t go into any detail. But holy hell, I just want to quit and never get out of bed again. I know that’s not the best attitude to have towards a situation. But I also can’t continue to have this sunshine and rainbows outlook. And I just don’t know. I’ve been so full of self doubt, it’s completely nuts.

It’s like nothing can happen fast enough anymore. Can’t complete training, or anything fast enough. Ugh. I can’t handle it.




In my 27 years I’ve been alive, I’ve lived in Utah, Oregon, Colorado, Iowa and now New York. So I’ve always had this sense of exploration in my soul. Now it does have its pros and cons; I never settle (not sure if that’s a pro or con though 😉 ) and I’m constantly getting restless. When the novelty wears off as it always does; I’m ready to move on. There’s so much I have yet to see and I don’t want to miss out on anything. My fiancĂ©e used to be the same way; especially when we first moved to New York. We would get in our car at night and just drive. We ended up on some pretty sketchy roads at night; but it was thrilling and terrifying at night. Now, he makes an excuse as to why we can’t do anything. It’s beyond aggravating. I just want to see things, explore the areas of where we live and take some new pictures of new things.

I get my ambitious spirit from my mother honestly. She’s always looking for ways to reinvent herself. I can’t even begin to remember how many hours we spent when I was a kid exploring areas around us, walking onto abandoned properties of really old houses and looking in the windows to see how cool it was. She even broke into the old closed down psychiatric hospital with me, telling me it was rude for people to be kept from something with so much history. “It’s just sitting here rotting,” she said. Some of my best shots taken are with her in tow, she will point out good shots to me. I mean I know every girl says at some point that their mother is their best friend. But I’m absolutely not joking. I don’t know what I would do without her.

So while my fiancée was in a bad mood again, I went out exploring together as we have done a lot lately. We got on the Taconic State Parkway and just drove; no particular destination in mind. We ended up in a state park, Garrison, NY and final destination Cold Spring, NY. Talk about a cute frickin town! Totally adorable with incredible views!

Advice from me; don’t lose your sense of wonder! There’s so many things that will fulfill your sense of thrill and tickle your fancy! You don’t have to spend a bunch of money to enjoy a day! I spent at most 30.00!

Finding Good Help!

When I worked my last job; I could never understand why my boss always had such a hard time finding employees. So many people claiming how much they needed a job; yet it always seemed like prospects were dry. I just chalked it up to she wasn’t really trying to find people. Oh boy, was I wrong!

Being a manager now, it’s next to impossible to find people who truly want to work and excel at their jobs. Now I’m not saying that everyone is like this; I know there are people out there who are good workers, I just can’t find them. Most I see think they are going to work 9 to 5 jobs as their first job and they will never have to work weekends. They complain about everything and I’m pretty sure your grandmother has passed away twice now. It just baffles me that this generation has become quite lazy and at the same time so entitled to some type of break; even though they have done nothing to earn the break.

If you work your butt off, then you’ve earned your break.

Anyone who has been successful, not one of them has ever said that they sat on their ass and success just found them. So I’m in the process of hiring. This time around I’m crossing my fingers hoping that I will finally get some good workers in my establishment. I know they are out there!

When NYC calls…

As I mentioned in my previous post, my fiancée bailed at the last minute on a day trip to NYC. But I never said that I never went, my mentality at that point was to make him feel bad about putting buying a new car over spending time with his fiancée. So I invited my mom with me to spend that day.

Let me tell you, it was the greatest revenge. The weather couldn’t have gotten more perfect, the day was fun and relaxed. When we arrived in the city, we hit The MET. Never in one day can you cover the whole entire thing, it’s incredibly massive. But I only wanted to see the photography section. That was my main goal. And if you have never been to the roof at the MET, it’s a must see. The views are amazing and they serve champagne. So if your over 21, it’s a win win situation. (Be prepared to pay for that glass of champagne though. Yikes!)

Then we went to NYC public library; it’s absolutely breathtaking. I can’t believe I’ve never been there before. They just don’t build things today like they did back then. The only disappointing part of the this particular trip is that there’s a room full of rare photography images, yet you have to gain special access to see them. This room is like a photographer’s wet dream! So I am currently researching on how to get into that room; if anyone knows what room I’m talking about in the NYC Public Library; and you know how to get in. Please reach out to me.  I would be your best friend.

Then to top off my day; my mom and I went to Zara. That’s a dangerous place to be. But found some really great pieces that I can wear on so many different occasions. I can’t say I didn’t spend a pretty penny there, because I did. But it’ was worth it in the end. Then I got some snacks at Grand Central before taking the final train back home.

Oh and did I mention that I got Shake Shack? Best fast food on the fast of the planet. HANDS DOWN!

But, in the end…something was missing. My fiancĂ©e. I love my mom, but this was a trip that I planned with him in mind.

Be Drastic.

I’ve always been one of those people who can never pick the title before writing the post. My post will take me where it does, and only then can I pick the title that is perfect for the post.

A lot has been going on the past few weeks, especially in my personal life. And this can be difficult to share with the world; but I can’t be blogging if I’m not honest. There’s been so many times that writers, celebrities, etc share stories that are hard for them to show the world that not everything is perfect or to bring awareness to a particular issue.

I think mine may be a little bit of both categories; so let me share…

My fiancĂ©e and I just bought a second car. We are firm believers in used cars within reason. We see no sense in spending a whole bunch of money on a car and we really don’t want a car payment; we both agree that it’s a huge waste of money to buy a car new. Neither of us do significant driving to jobs; that would be the only thing that would change our minds. So, we picked up what we call “a beater”. $1,100, low milege and it’s not the prettiest, but it gets us from Point A to Point B. But the week we bought it, we also paid rent as well and I had just paid up all of our bills. So I didn’t have really any money left to also register a new car; and he didn’t have the money to register it either after paying rent. So it was going to have to wait, which I told him Monday night. So when Tuesday rolled around; I was planning on staying at home and get some things done that I needed to complete. It’s about 8:30am, and my fiancĂ©e has gotten up and began getting ready for work. He busts into the bedroom and asks me if I’m going to town (mind, we currently have one car.) I shake my head no, and he proceeds to slam the door (throwing a temper tantrum.) We have both been on edge for the past week; everything going on in our everyday lives was building up all week and it finally got fed up and I just snapped…

I went out into the main living area; and I finally yelled and asked him what he was pissed off this time. He said, “I thought you were going to register the car!” Even though the day before I told him I didn’t have the money this week to register the car. I screamed this same thing to him. And as we know in all fights; everything that has ever went wrong in your relationship comes up. That previous week; work was pure hell and exhausting and I just did what a woman does when she’s scorned…I threw shit. In particular the frames of photography I had on my wall by my bed. (Note: Nothing broke.) I know that sounds beyond juvenile; I agree that it is.

He just left the house. I hid in the bathroom, practically hyperventilating from crying. (Let me clarify, not once did I feel unsafe or like I was going to be physically harmed. I want to make that known, I don’t want there to be any misconception. My fiancĂ©e is a good man!) Of course, when he left; he slammed the door and peeled out of our driveway in our crappy car. When it comes to our relationship; we have a fairly good relationship but we are young and don’t always handle our anger well. The only one car between us isn’t helping either. We drive in together and work all day and then he sometimes has to wait almost 2 hours for me some days until I’m done and then we drive home together. As much as I love my fiancĂ©e, that’s A LOT of time together. When I have my own car, my biggest stress reliever is the drive home; if I’ve had a really bad day, I turn up my music and roll down the windows and sing along terribly. By the time I get home, I feel better. But when we aren’t getting the time to decompress before we are together again, it causes situations like this.

Now some people may get mad about what happened next. I called my mom (My mother is my best friend.) and asked her if she could pick me up on her lunch break. I packed my bags; I was sending a very distinctive message; that I wouldn’t be treated like a child. He was going to be my husband, he wasn’t my father. I was sick of being scolded and treated like I was an equal in this relationship. Then I cleaned my house, my psyche was entirely screwed up at this point. Here I am packing my bags and leaving my fiancĂ©e in the home we built together and I was cleaning my house,  so he had a clean house to come home to when he got off work. I know feminists probably want to punch me in the throat! I know, it was awful; but I was just so lost in that moment and that’s the only thing that I could think to do. It was that or be a crying lump in the corner. I might as well be productive while I waited for my ride.

I got to my mom’s and unpacked and I didn’t say a word to him. So I waited all day, waiting for him to get home. I swore up and down that the moment he got home and saw I wasn’t there; I would hear from him in some capacity. I received…NOTHING! To say I was shocked, is the understatement of the century.

I went to bed at my parents home that first night completely confused.

I woke up the next morning to a text saying this…”If you need a ride to work, I can be there at 845.” I will admit that this particular text pissed me off. After everything, the very first text you send me in 24 hours and that’s what you say; yeah I was upset. I showed it to my mother and she laughed, we laughed together saying, “Seriously this is what you say.” She told me, he’s a man; they are horrible at handling situations like this. I went to work, completely distracted all day and just kept checking my phone. Nothing.

My mom was texting me to not to worry, but her texting me was just getting me more worried that I made the worst decision of my life and he was done with me. I’m not going to be the person who says to you, “Yeah, screw him I can do better.” I may have thought about in a rage, but we’ve been together for almost 10 years and he is the man I want to marry despite the fact that he drives me absolutely crazy.

Later in the day,  I get a GIF of a the dog from UP! With the text ‘I’m sorry.’ Once again, I’m taken aback, this is not proper apology etiquette. Then, he shows up Wednesday evening at my job and then calls my job while one of my bosses is there to see if he is picking me up. As much as I wanted to talk to him, I wasn’t about to have that conversation at my job in front of my bosses. It was aggravating to be so close to talking to him like an adult and have it be all messed up because of timing. Work was stressful that day already and I knew that I needed to be in the right frame of mind when we spoke for the first time. So I texted him and told him to go home and my mom grabbed me from work that evening.

That evening when I was back at my mom’s house and settled in, we sort of texted back and forth and I told him he could come see him Thursday after work and we would talk. I asked about our dogs, Taj and Remy. It broke my heart that I had seen them in almost two days. Then that was about it.

Thursday evening when he came over, he was automatically defensive. Crossed arms and we were standing outside and I laid out everything that was going through my head. My real anger about our relationship really had nothing to do with him at all; a few weeks prior I had planned a trip to NYC. Every time him and I went to NYC it was taking our out of state family and we kept seeing the same monuments over and over again. So we never got to see the places we wanted to see while we are there. The last minute he bailed to work because we HAD to buy this stupid car. It made me feel completely worthless and unwanted. So adding on everything else that was going on to that open wound was like a pound of salt and I never addressed this problem and it blew up over something very trivial.

We made up Thursday, on the way home I wasn’t sure I had made the right decision to go home. But my work schedule was going to complicate my parents lives when I didn’t have a car. So was I just going back to make my life a little bit less complicated; I sure thought so at the time. I was completely silent on the car ride home and when we got home. My fiancĂ©e swept me into his arms and gave a full hearted apology. He said, “I’m so sorry, ill try to be better; I think we are both broken.” Now some may think it wasn’t the nicest thing to say about us both being broken. But to me; it was a huge weight lifted off me. Because throughout our relationship, I also got this vibe that he always thought he did more than I do and I bust my ass just as much as he does. So for him to admit that maybe he to is broken was a big indicator that he understood that sometimes it’s okay to admit that neither of us are perfect.

I wanted to show in this post that no relationship is perfect. I know that line almost seems clichĂ©…but it’s true. I don’t try to portray this unicorn and rainbows relationship. On more than one occasion, I have told stories about my relationship that show the flaws that we have overcome in the past 10 years together.

I tend to be more impulsive and I internalize until I explode. So I try to be more open and try to share my feelings when I can. That’s what I learned during this whole experience.  My fiancĂ©e is the type to have a temper over the smallest things; and he creates stress that doesn’t need to be created at all. So right now, we are both trying to overcome those hurdles in our relationship. We also promised to be more present in our relationship; technology will kill all relationships one day. So put down your phone; no one wants to be in a relationship with you phone.

Just be there for your partner, try to understand them and try to be the thing that decompresses them on a bad day.


Fiction Writing.

At least once a year, my family tells me I need to write a book considering how much I write in journals. I never take them seriously, just because I write about my day to day life doesn’t make me a writer.

But lately, I’ve been feeling a bit exhausted and a little uninspired and wondered to myself if it would ever actually be a viable option. Of course I googled, ‘how to write a book’ and it seems like the concept is a lot more complicated then first perceived. There’s like a whole slew of things you do before you even begin writing, like story and character layouts. And it’s so much more complex than I realized. I would never want to infringe on the true writers of the world with my babblings of a girl who basically constantly complains (myself.)

So I think I will stick to journaling in private and spend time writing on this blog and enthrall my followers with my stories.


My Favorite Place.

cropped-2.jpgvia Photo Challenge: Favorite Place

Living in New York. There’s no lack of places that make me happy and feel at ease. But I took this picture at InnisFree Gardens. This tree overlooks a man made pond. There’s a path that walk all the way around the pond. So there’s so many nooks and crannies that you can enjoy and this happened to be the last photo I took that day. You can stand on the pedestrian bridge that overlooks the whole area. Once you cross the bridge and walk around and up the hill…there’s a bench. I did a lot of self reflection there. Peacefulness surrounds you and it’s just you and nature.

There’s nothing better than that.

HelloFresh Review

So I’ve jumped onto the preprepared meal bandwagon. While going over my budget with my fiancĂ©e and my fiancĂ©e listening to the Joe Rogan podcast. My fiancĂ©e suggested that we try Blue Apron food service. I had recently got a coupon for HelloFresh. So I suggested we do that one first since I had the deal. I seriously always thought these home delivery meals were a big gimmick. But when I sat down and did the math, my gosh it’s a good option for a couple who don’t have kids. My fiancĂ©e and I work a lot, so we are those “hungry” shoppers who stop at the store on our way home to get things to make because we didn’t pull something out of the freezer before we left. Each trip was at least 30.00 dollars and of course you end up buying things you don’t need. So it seemed sensible for us.

Last night, we made our first meal. One pan Orzo. It was very good and beyond easy to make, that means a lot to me; I’m a terrible cook. My fiancĂ©e even liked it.

What I really like is that the recipes are printed on this really nice card stock, so even if you don’t stick with the delivery service, you will always have the recipe.

For my fiancĂ©e is the portion sizes. He has a very busy job, so the likelihood of him getting a lunch break is quite low. So he really likes to eat a lot at dinner; despite the fact that he knows how bad it is for him. 😉 so if your spouse or significant other likes to eat a lot, my suggestion is to order the plan for 4 people and then you will have bigger portions. Remember: that will cost you more.

Overall: The experience so far has been great. Everything is portioned correctly and is absolutely fresh. Tonight we are having chicken cheddar fajitas. Can’t wait.

Down & Out

Hello all.

I’m not going to apologize for neglecting my blog for some time now. That’s just too repetitive and no one wants to hear my excuses for honestly being too lazy to keep up; that’s honestly all that it has been over the past few months.

Today, I’m not coming back just because ‘ooh, I remembered suddenly that I had a blog.’ It was more of an eye opening experience for me, today I got my hair done and spent the day running errands with my mother. It’s a regular occurrence with us; she’s my best friend and we always spend Wednesday’s together if we can. But we had some eye opening conversations, about how we both felt lost in our lives and sometimes in our relationships. How maybe my procrastination of planning my wedding has some to do with finances and the rest is about maybe I feel just lost. I don’t feel like I’m behaving like myself, or that if I do act like myself I will be judged. So the real question is, “when will I stop hiding who I am?” I think the longer I wait the weirder it will be when my true personality comes out. I’m more terrified to show my fiancĂ©e my true self, because what if he doesn’t want to get married to me anymore. I used to dance all over my room when I was a kid and still do it to this day as an adult, it makes me feel at ease. One time, my fiancĂ©e caught me and just the look in his eye felt like he was judging me. And I immediately stopped and honestly haven’t done it since; that was a few years ago. So I should feel the most comfortable with the person I’m getting married to? Correct?

I don’t know what to do to bring myself back?

This past fall I went through a massive betrayal by one of my closest friends. It hit me hard. She was going to be the maid of honor at my wedding, and she really brought out the best in my personality. I mean she was also emotionally draining on me with her constant problems. I mean she came over for holidays, I took her grocery shopping, helped changed locks on her door from her crazy ex. And she used and abused my trust and my friendship and then freaked out and essentially dumped me one day. I mean I know it’s for the best and the toxicity isn’t good for my life. But she knew me well and we had a lot of fun together. So when that betrayal came, I began to feel like I wasn’t good enough to be anyone’s friend. No one has brought out the fun part of my personality since her. I got depressed and tired and I got a new job that stripped so much from me. I’m finally coming around, to where I’m reaching out to friends to make plans. I began exercising (don’t worry I’m not going to become someone who posts all of their gym selfies.) and I’m trying to work really hard at my career and also building my photography portfolio. Doing whatever it takes to make myself a better person, so I don’t once again get taken advantage of again by supposed friends.

My ending words are if you feel like dancing. Just do it. Don’t let anyone stop you.

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