New Project.

In my own self reflection, I wanted to do more for myself and for those less fortunate. We sometimes forget how blessed we are, and we take our freedoms for granted.

As I figure out what my contribution needs to be. I want to reflect on the women around the world who are contributing to the beauty of this world in their own capacity. It’s inspiring.

As of late, I’ve been itching to write a post about something. But I wanted it to be heartfelt and meaningful. I began thinking about tolerance, we have become so intolerant as a society against religion, sexual orientation, heritage. I wanted to showcase our differences in a place we could be tolerant and loving.

Our world has proven many times over and over that intolerance will be our demise as society; yet, we continue to make the same mistakes.

With technology, we can hide behind our keyboards and talk poorly of our own friends and family and strangers, without any consequences. So I want to flip the script and use technology and our access to so many more people by highlighting the women who are looking to change the landscape on how we view the world.

Stay tuned for the first woman up to make an appearance and who I believe is opening eyes for our world.

-Sarah

 

Day 30- Last DAY!

You know I have never actually ever completed one of these 30 day challenges. Weather it’s a squat challenge, or post a picture of certain things for 30 days. I never complete them. So even though I stretched this out way longer than a month, I did complete it! I am giving myself a pat on the back right now.

These are the hopes for my blog…

  1. That it inspires me to stick with something I have begun and not to give up on it.
  2. I want to inspire others to show their true selves to the world. We get so stuck in creating a persona to show the world; we don’t show our flaws and our weaknesses. I want to take the stigma away from that and just show that we are awesome flaws and all.
  3. To find my niche, I can feel myself going down a path that doesn’t challenge me or push me to my limits and that’s a fate worse than death.
  4. To share my stories with the world, I love to be open and giving and to share my experiences. And I’m ready to do that!

 

Welcome to Edgy and Urban!

Day 29

A confession.

Even though I should of completed this challenge like almost a month ago, I feel like this is the perfect time to complete this day of the blogging challenge.

I was so lost, I felt unfulfilled and desperate for attention. I’m not usually like this, I was raised by a mother who taught me to rely on myself before I rely on anyone else. The fact that I was desperate for attention is a whole new thing for me to feel.

I just feel disconnected from my life, and I think in some sense I self sabotage. I’ve always kind of done it to myself since I was a kid. I convince myself that I’m better off not going after things that I want because it may have a poor outcome. I like to think I would like being fearless, but instead I’m full of fears and not full of life.

I guess my confession is that I’m fearful…

Scattered.

Sorry everyone,

I have been absent as of lately. There’s been a lot going on at my job and in my personal life. I’ve been constantly on the move, so I have been writing more in my journals instead of on my blog.

Work has been my primary focus lately; we have a new district manager at my job, who I like very much and she’s creating an action plan for me to get promoted. Which is all I have ever wanted from the company that I have worked for for almost two years now. So slow progress is still progress. Right?

But when we finally sat down and discussed what my future entailed, it became more ingrained how much this isn’t what my future is supposed to hold. This isn’t what I want. As of right now, it’s what I need. I wish I could be more spontaneous and just quit my job and pursue photography full time and not a heart attack about where my money will come from or how I will pay my electric. (which I need to pay today.)

My relationship has also been a little bit off lately, my fiancée currently works six days a week, so the only day he has off anymore is Sunday. Sometimes I work Sundays. But when I don’t, I want to do something together; but I also have to understand that he just worked 6 days straight and he’s exhausted. So we don’t ever do anything, cause I want to go out and he wants to stay home. So since I’m antsy to do something; i’ll do something with friends instead and he gets upset cause I’m hanging out with him. So it’s a vicious cycle. And we’ve been together for almost 9 years. So it’s only becoming harder and harder to get that spark back. I’ll be completely honest, I’m at a complete loss of what I need to do.

So I get upset cause we aren’t speaking enough, then he doesn’t understand why I’m mad. I can say this that our communication has never been our strong suit in our relationship just because we got together when we were so young when communication is that last thing you talk about in your new relationship.

One other problem we have been having is that my mother raised a very independent woman; I never want to rely on someone else to get my bills paid; but unfortunately I make a lot less money then I used to; so I’ve been coming up short on bills. Which the last thing I want to do is ask my fiancée for money to help pay the bills. So just before I began writing this post; I told him we have to pay the electric; I paid a portion of the bill and I need him to help me out on the other portion, before I could even tell him that I paid a portion of what is owed, he scoffed very loudly. For that reason right there, I don’t like asking other people for money. Cause they will give it you, but they won’t hesitate to bring it into every conversation that you have about money forever. Now, I’m not necessarily saying my fiancée would do that to me, cause he has helped me out before. But it’s highly embarrassing for me to even have to ask. And I know that we are getting married and that there will be times where I will have to ask him for money again.

I just think that I will need to get my ego under control, my mom has always taught me and shown me even when your going through rough patches; that there’s a way out without asking for money. I’ve asked other people in my life for money at times, and they made me feel so guilty for asking. So I’m very adamant about figuring out money situations on my own.

I’m just pushing through everything and just breathe.

I think this is probably the most open I have been on this blog. With all of this information fly through my head. I guess there’s no time like the present for getting my photography business off the ground.

 

xoxo

 

 

Day 28

Honestly, at this very moment I don’t think I can even recall my most embarrassing moment. I’m sure there are many that aren’t coming to mind right now. But I will make sure to think long and hard and edit this post as soon as I do think of one.

Day 27

What’s in your closet? I feel like this is a trick question. There’s so much in my closet that I couldn’t even begin to describe it.

One thing I can say is that it’s fairly disorganized, but majority of my clothes are actually on hangers which I don’t have enough of, so I have to get creative with what I hang together and that can get challenging. 

I’ve been on a clothing binge for a while now, so there’s no more room to fit anything. When I moved from Iowa to New York. My style changed drastically; as it needed to. So I have so much more and I pair a lot of what I have with multiple outfits. I own a lot more heels and when I do go back to Iowa they look at me like I’m a unicorn! I guess that’s okay! 🙂

So too many clothes and too many shoes! That’s what’s in my closet!

Xoxo

Easter 2017

I hope everyone’s Easters were just as magical as mine was.

Even though our families are on this earth to drive us completely crazy, they are also here to be our counter balances, our gravity to remind us why we are here.

My family is notorious for the women doing all of the prep cooking and decorating and the clean up while the men “Relax.” My poor mom was exhausted by the time the day was over, but we also call the shots; so it’s a trade-off.

My mom is the best cook, maybe I am biased, but I don’t like eating anyone else’s homemade cooking. I’m a mom’s food only snob. 🙂 Living in New York is so different  from Iowa. Everyone I spoke to about their Easter plans, they all go out to brunch or dinner at a restaurant instead of having a home cooked meal. I was completely taken back I guess. I appreciate those home cooked meals; even though they may not last for too much longer until my mother requires me to make all holiday dinners. This could be quite disastrous and I think she knows that if she makes me cook the whole meal that no one will be eating.

My mom still puts together a big Easter basket for everyone. I require an Easter basket at 26; wouldn’t have it either way. This year my mom got me a little succulent terrarium! How adorable and in my favorite color, yellow. I have a black thumb, so I have to try so hard to not kill it. If I kill a whole bunch of succulents, then I don’t deserve to ever look at another plant.

We had a great dinner, we make ham every year; I’ve considered going vegetarian, but I absolutely refuse to give up ham. That’s the one meat that I will eat no matter what! I can cut beef and turkey and pork. Ham and chicken; I think I would fade away. 🙂

Of course, when you have been on low carb for the past few weeks and eat that much food; talk about a food coma! My mom and I were like we need to get out of the house; so we dragged the entire family, dogs included to the Roosevelt Farm Lane. A local trail that runs between Route 9 and 9G. It has hills and great scenery. And the exercise was well worth it; because it woke us all up.

When we got back to the house, my fiancée whipped out his acoustic guitar and played a slew of songs he has been learning. My step father is a vocalists in a band, so he sang a long with him. It was quite relaxing and nice to be able to sing along with songs that we knew. Coty playing the guitar has become a permanent fixture at family holidays. It’s a nice tradition that I hope we continue into the future with our own children.

After all of that, Coty and I come home and got to spend some time alone with our pet children.

We watched the movie, Lion with Dev Patel. It’s a must see, I highly recommend it.

Then unfortunately we did a some drama. Our Pit bull, Taj got off his leash when he snapped it. It was 1130, I was just falling asleep and Coty comes and wakes me up. He’s of course black and you can’t see him. He runs up the hill to our neighbors yard, and she hates us already cause he once chased her cat up a tree. So I’m getting anxiety because we can’t cross into her yard because she’s the type of neighbor who would call the police and he is refusing to come to us. So we go back to our house and get some food. By the time, we get back up there. He is GONE! We call and call and drive back and forth down our road and he has vanished. At this point, we had been looking for almost an hour and we can’t hear him and can’t see him. So all we can do is wait for him to get bored and travel back home. Now let me tell you, this wasn’t easy for me at all. I sat on the couch, staring at the open door and out the screen door just waiting. Going out onto the deck every 30 minutes calling his name. nothing!

So, I finally go to bed and he’s the type of dog that when he wants something, he will announce his presence. Around 415, I wake up. Listening intently, hoping for anything like a bark or a rustling of leaves, anything. And low and behold, thank god I was awake cause I hear him bark. I leap out of bed and there he is. Standing on the porch like how dare you not let me in. My fiancée had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for him to come home. I open the door, snapped leash still attached and he’s running around like a crazy dog. My fiancée asked me how I knew he was at the door, he sleeps like a rock! Luckily I had woke up right when I did. It’s like my subconscious knew!

But at least when I knew he was home, I could finally sleep with all 3 of my boys curled up in bed with me. 🙂 My happy place!

This morning, Taj knew he was in trouble! He laid in my fiancées office all day because he knew that mom wasn’t too happy with him!

As mad as I was, I’m just glad he was okay and that our crazy didn’t catch him in her yard again! Talk about an Easter miracle!

Here’s a photo of Taj curled up on the bed; he was exhausted from his late night partying!!

 

Day 25.

My biggest regret…

I did a lot in my life backwards. I met the man who will be my husband next year when I was a senior in high school.

My boyfriend (aka fiancée) were already serious by the time I graduated. I graduated May 2009, but July 2009 we were living together. So the idea of going off to college and living in a dorm was pretty much already out.

I was living in the Midwest with the desire to go to school for photography. There are no colleges that provide a photography degree. So I was going to college courses for nothing. I got so bored that I dropped out of college and didn’t finish. I don’t know if it was one of the best decisions I made or one of the worst.

There’s a part of me that believes that it was a good decision; I was racking up school loan debt for something I didn’t even want to do. But then there’s the logical part of my brain that thinks gosh if I had just wanted a normal degree in something that wasn’t arts I wouldn’t be worried about money all of the time or worrying about how to pay for this wedding that I can’t afford.

My fiancée and I wouldn’t be living paycheck to paycheck.

Our parents are always telling us to chase our dreams and they don’t tell us how hard it is or how impossible the world makes it. It’s easy to take the easy way out and just get trapped in routine and in dead end jobs. If we just tried harder and didn’t take the easy way out, maybe we have a chance.

I’m going to stop making excuses for not doing what I love and just do it! (That’s a Nike commercial line.)

Stay tuned for updates.

 

Looking for answers.

Do you ever find yourself behaving in a way that is so unlike you? What’s the trigger that really brings out the worst in us?

Lately, I’ve found myself behaving like someone I’ve never met before! Like I’ve left my body and I’m watching from the outside. Maybe like a ghost or spirit. I feel so lost lately. I don’t have any ambition to plan my wedding or be excited for anything at all. I’ve developed a short fuse with my fiancée and it scares me slightly.

I know who I am and how I was raised; and it just seems like all of that has vanished now. So the real question is how do I get back to the person I know I can be?

There’s one thing I am sure of; my current job has brought out the worst in me. So I’m trying to 1. find a new job, something in the range of what I actually want to do. 2. Be a better person at work, just focus on my work and leave and give people a chance.

Also what I am thinking; New York just made all state schools tuition free for residents. One of the schools I would love to go to is FIT in Manhattan. I loved the campus. I think there’s no time like the present to go to school and not have to worry about tuition. I want to better myself and if going back to school is what I need to do to better myself then I think it’s the right thing to do. But I still have to be accepted into college. But I’m being hopeful. Unfortunately I missed the deadline for Fall 2017. So I’m thinking Spring 2018. But it gives me time to prep a portfolio and my essays to only increase my chances of getting accepted!

I believe that is the next step in my life. Its logical and a step I’m ready to make. I’m supposed to get married in 2018, but if I’m going back to school then it may have to be a very small wedding. I want to get my life in order and getting a degree is the best thing to do. I want to be educated; and it will only help my photography career. That means wherever I go, my camera is now coming with me. 🙂 My fiancée will be thrilled.

He’s always been very supportive of my choices when it comes to my photography. He knows I love doing it and I have an eye for it; I couldn’t ask for a more supportive man and family. With that kind of support system, you can do anything!